_How do I know what they are?

Because I asked. I've spoken to thousands of students across the U.S. and Canada about unproductive habits of every kind.  Each participant was asked: "What habits(s) do you most want to stop or reduce in your life right now?" Now I realize this data is not scientific but still, the answers were startling.

A group of 265 students (Grades 7-12) anonymously listed 92 different destructive habits with which they were struggling - a total of 1031 times! This means that each child had an average of four habits from which they wanted FREEDOM.

Who Are These Kids and Where Do They Come From?

For only 265 kids to self-identify 1031 bad habits and addictions seems incredible. Yet there was nothing unusual about the type of schools these kids came from and the communities they lived in - high-end private schools to low-to-high income public schools.

These weren't your typical "at-risk" students, referred by school officials, guidance counselors or parents. And for school staff, it was an eye opener. Many had been unaware of how many students were suffering in silence, and willing to ask for help.  School educators were stunned to hear of the multitude of behaviors kids felt they were addicted to.

How do we reach these Kids? 

Although speaking in schools is a small part of the totality of all the work I do, I have done enough to know that trying to scare students out of experimenting with inappropriate, dangerous or illegal activities is not the most effective approach.

That's why I use my personal story of unproductive habits in a different way -- as a way of connecting my own challenges, pain and choices with theirs, and how I found freedom, so as to inspire those in pain (or just simply committed to changing their life) to attend my Habit Mastery Success workshop and 4 Week follow-up program that I teach and create on the same day as my keynote.  (You can find out more details about that school program here.

What I've discovered is that kids relate to this. Yes, many are alienated or angry. Those who may not have "serious" habits or behaviors, are often just as afraid - and desperate for a way out - as those that are dealing with more destructive addictions and life circumstances. But when someone is honest and direct with them - not trying to manipulate or fix them - and has practical answers to the problems they're facing, they are ready to listen.

How Much "Choice" Do We Really Have?

What I've recognized and teach educators and kids (both educators and kids self-select themselves in participating in my Habit Mastery Success program because the unproductive habits people are personally dealing with are not disclosed ) in my workshops, is that being a victim is a choice. Yes, we may have been "victimized" and experienced bad things in our lives. But how we look at, and interpret the meaning of those events, is a choice that has always been available to us to create and recreate for ourselves!

As a teenager, some of my choices led me to engage in unproductive behaviors and substances - constantly fighting one of them, only to find another one pop-up in it's place.  By getting to the root - and transforming the habitual thinking patterns that were driving my bad habits, and becoming responsible for the thought and behavior decisions I had made, I am now able to live free from ALL "Addictions", rather than as a victim of my past.  Speaking of "All Addictions", although I do not teach the 12 step model in schools - or within my Habit Master coaching practice which serves high-net worth individuals - I am the founder (and an inactive member) of - All Addictions Anonymous - which you can find out more about by visiting this link www.alladdictionsanonymous.com

Applying this in our Schools

What I want parents, teachers and students to know, is that they have this same choice. My Habit Mastery Success programs help participants shift their attention and energy away from the seemingly hopeless nature of their "bad habits," and redirect it towards developing positive and empowering commitments.

We focus on their power to choose, to support others, and to be supported by a community and buddy system, while stopping or reducing their "bad habits" (if that is what they choose).

This message encourages and enables young people to make far more change than any threats or negative statistics could ever do. And the results are consistently miraculous which you can see for yourself by clicking here.

What Kids are Dealing with: the Full List

As promised, here is the full list of unwanted habits, or behaviors (and the number of times each was reported) as listed by 265 of the students who took part in my workshop and 28-day Habit Mastery Success program. Of these students, 182 were females, 76 were male and 7 did not specify.

1. Junk Food - 109
2. Internet/Computer - 103
3. Marijuana and/or Hash - 92
4. Alcohol - 89
5. Tobacco - 85
6. Sugar or Candy - 79
7. Over eating - 69
8. Under eating or Anorexia - 69
9. Self harm - 48
10. S-e-x - 41
11. Bullying or abusing others - 38
12. Video games - 38
13. Lying - 29
14. Stealing - 17
15. Ecstasy (psychedelic drug) - 16
16. Nail biting - 14
17. Cocaine - 12
18. Laziness or lack of motivation - 12
19. Gambling - 11
20. Over spending/shopping - 9
21. Magic mushrooms - 8
22. Bulimia or purging - 6
23. Depression - 6
24. LSD - 6
25. Anger - 5
26. Involvement in abusive relationships - 5
27. Over sleeping - 5
28. Telephone usage - 5
29. Movies and television - 5
30. Bad attitude - 4
31. Being a victim or blaming others - 4
32. Caffeine - 4
33. Energy drinks - 4
34. Oxycottin (OxyContin) - 4
35. "Special K" - 4
36. Cursing - 3
37. Fighting with parents - 3
38. Over exercising - 3
39. Co-dependence or people pleasing - 3
40. P-o-r-n-ography - 3
41. Text messaging - 3
42. Pain killers - 3
43. 2-CB (psychedelic drug) - 2
44. Isolation or being alone - 2
45. Rudeness - 2
46. Complaining - 2
47. Diet pills - 2
48. DMT (psychedelic drug) - 2
49. Gossiping - 2
50. Masturbation - 2
51. Morphine - 2
52. Opiates - 2
53. Over working - 2
54. Percodan - 2
55. Pyromania - 2
56. Salvia (psychoactive drug) - 2
57. Stress - 2
58. Worrying - 2
59. Being abused - 1
60. Arguing - 1
61. Gang membership - 1
62. Tardiness - 1
63. Lip biting - 1
64. Self blame - 1
65. Burning self - 1
66. Chocolate - 1
67. Choking - 1
68. Cracking knuckles
69. Choosing bad friends - 1
70. Drinking blood - 1
71. DIPT (psychedelic drug) - 1
72. Fidgeting - 1
73. Fighting - 1
74. Forcing/manipulating others - 1
75. Hair pulling - 1
76. Harming animals - 1
77. Holding grudges - 1
78. I like to watch people get hurt - 1
79. Insomnia - 1
80. Making others feel sympathetic - 1
81. Manipulating others - 1
82. Methadone - 1
83. Negative thinking - 1
84. Opposition to authority - 1
85. Overactive - 1
86. Pain - 1
87. Panic Attacks - 1
88. Partying - 1
89. Suicidal thoughts - 1
90. Unspecified illicit drugs - 1
91. Valium - 1
92. Violent behavior - 1

Only 13 of these behaviors were listed on the original form. The other 79 were written in by students themselves using their own words to describe which "habits" they could not control - and which they wanted help to reduce or stop. 

Yet even these numbers do not tell the whole story. For example:

1. In #11 -- Bullying, 38 kids came to the workshop for help with bullying behaviors they were unable Yet wanting to stop. That is what they came to my program for!  However, elsewhere in the survey, 93 kids admitted to bullying others, while 58 students said that being bullied was a problem for them.

2. The number of students who experience destructive habits is clearly much higher than those who made the choice to attend my Habit Mastery Success Programs. But to give you an idea on the percentage of kids wanting help, for every 50,000 students I've spoken to in a general assembly presentation, approximately 6000 choose to attend my one hour "How to Break/Reduce a Bad Habit" Seminar. 

Some of those 6000 students need more than just knowledge to break/reduce their bad "habit", so they are given a further level of support and commitment to consider.  When given the opportunity to spend the entire school day participating and creating a 4 week "Habit Mastery Club" utilizing the power of teams, weekly group meetings and daily accountability, of the 6000, 2000 of them (1/3) take me up on my offer.  Of course, many kids who were known in their school to have destructive habits did not attend, and many others are suffering in silence and too shy, self-conscious and anxious to participate in any sort of group program.   

Final Words:

It took tremendous courage for kids with such behaviors to attend these workshops. But it is also a sign of how much they want and need help -- and of the potential for change in our schools. Why? Because their choices affect others. The more we can help them overcome their unprod the more other students will see their success and come forward for solutions to theirs.  And this in turn grows. I believe it is up to us, as adults, to teach and lead kids to take responsibility for their choices, and to offer them practical steps proven to produce positive results. And the best way to build the self-esteem of our youth - is to stop controlling them - and do it for ourselves!

As Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the World." I like to personalize his words for the work that I do by saying it like this: "Be the change you want to see in Others".

These videos will give you the essence of the values, principles, and Leadership Philosophy behind all our programs.  They were shot on the same day that I finished running my final marathon for the 2011 calendar year.

Gossiping, complaining, worrying, blaming, people pleasing, giving unwanted advice to others, controlling and fixing others, negative thinking, putting people down.  Could these habits also be addictions for some people?  Could some of these habits cause addictions? In my experience, all people who consider themselves “addicted”, or possessing any form of compulsive disorder, are also addicted to one or many of these unwanted “habits”.  Something to think about. 

The Power of Choice & Habit Mastery programs are really all about creating an atmosphere of acceptance, where people support themselves and others in developing the mental muscle of habitually choosing their thoughts, words, and interpretations, as well as mastering the habit of honoring their words, commitments and promises.

The “Power of Choice” perspective is just that – a perspective, a viewpoint.  In fact, although I own the Canadian trademark, I’m certainly not the first person to use the words “Power of Choice”.  When I say “Power of Choice”, I am talking about my own interpretation of the meaning of these words which includes this;

It is our thought and behavioral habits (both conscious and unconscious) that are the cause of our unwanted and wanted experiences in life.  Our “choice muscles” have been severely weakened over the years. We’ve unknowingly given away our power so often that “feeling better” has become our number one obsession.  We’ve become numb and blind to who we really are and what we “truly want”.  We’ve lost touch with our authentic selves.  We live to survive and hold on to anything that gives us instant gratification. Little by little, we engage in our unwanted habits more and more.  Eventually we eventually become addicted to them, knowingly or not.  Kind of like the frog in the pot story that goes something like this.

If you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will frantically try to jump out. But if you place it gently in a pot of room temperature water and turn the heat on low, it will float there quite placidly. As the water gradually heats up, the frog will sink into a tranquil stupor, exactly like one of us in a hot bath, and before long, it will unresistingly allow itself to be boiled to death.

Fortunately for us, unlike the frog, we are self-aware.  Our past choices were a logical outcome of the things we experienced in the past, based on our consciousness at that time.  But now we can choose something different.  Rather than continuing to give power to past events, circumstances or other people as being the “cause” of our problems or success in life, the “Power of Choice” perspective is the choice to put responsibility and power squarely in our hands. I believe it’s how we apply these choices that shapes and determines our future.

“We shape our lives.  We shape ourselves.  The choices we make our ultimately our own responsibility”  Eleanor Rosevelt.

My interpretation of the Power of Choice rests on the belief that each of us has the capacity to reclaim our power – to think, believe, feel, be, have and do - to virtually create anything we want in life, whether it's breaking free of unwanted habits or addictions, overcoming personal challenges, or accomplishing something that others say is “impossible.” If one person can accomplish it, it’s available to all of us. And if one person did it, so can WE.

“Your time is limited. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions, drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you want to become.  Everything else is secondary.”  Steve Jobs 1955-2011.

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that, in the field of addictions, there is a huge emphasis on “who’s right and who’s wrong” – and this causes a lot of conflict, anger and even fighting among us. (Perhaps your experience has been similar.)

So what do we disagree on? Without wanting to be facetious, one could say almost everything. From ‘addiction is a disease’ to addiction isn’t a disease. Some people swear by the 12 steps (as the only method of treatment) and just as many who swear at them. There are disagreements about how much choice we have; whether you can deal with several addictions at the same time (my reason for starting All Addictions Anonymous); what substances or behaviors are actually addictions, the differences between addictions and habits, and who is an “addict” at all.

I remember being in 12 step meetings where people were challenging each other about who was a “real” addict. Some would differentiate between moderate drinkers, hard drinkers and true alcoholics. Others took pride in convincing you they were a “real hardcore” alcoholic, or saying things like “You’re not addicted. Let me tell you about addicted!” – and then sharing their worst (or best) stories. So even within fellowships, people were trying to separate one type of addictive behavior from another and making each other right or wrong. Yet this is just a microcosm of what happens throughout this work.

What Is Actually an “Addiction”?

The medical ‘bible’ on addictions, called the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, four edition), includes only a small number of substances – essentially alcohol, drugs and nicotine – in its list. To be factual, it doesn’t even use the word “addictions” at all, but rather refers to substance abuse and substance dependence. The next proposed edition (DSM-5) does use the term addiction, but the list is still quite small. For example, gambling is the only “behaviorial addiction” that will be included; issues like sex and Internet use were considered, but not yet accepted. So the medical way of looking at addictions is a slowly-developing process.

But what about the large number of other ‘addiction-like’ conditions that people are experiencing? For example, consider eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. Many people I know believe these are addictions; however, the professional community does not. Instead, it calls them “mental health disorders.” Then there is the ‘addiction movement’ itself, where the term addiction is used for a wide range of issues from overeating to codependency to criminal behavior. In fact, if you do an Internet search on 12 step groups, there are more than 65 different types of fellowships. So who is really “right” about what is “actually an addiction”?

What Does “Our Ability to Stop” Mean?

Another key aspect for determining what is an addiction is our ability or inability to stop – something I’ve also used in my definition. But who can really determine that for certain? And when we say “stop”, do we mean “stay stopped”? This concept gets us into all kinds of debates.

For example, if our brain chemistry shows we are dependent on a drug or behavior, does that mean we are unable to stop using it? Experience shows that’s not always the case. Or, if we do find a way to stop a behavior –– how long do we need to stay stopped for it to not be considered an addiction? What is the line between “I can’t stop” and “if I had enough motivation, I would stop”? Or when we do discover new ways to stop – as people continually are – does that mean that they (or we) didn’t have an addiction in the first place? Or are they in denile, headed for relapse because they did not stop the way we think is “The Right Way”.

I think you can see the difficulties – and why there’s so much disagreement among those who have been working for years, if not most of their life, to understand addictions, what causes them and how to treat them.

Now I’m not saying that it’s wrong to disagree. We all see things differently, and this process can help us learn from different perspectives. But the problem comes when we focus most of our energy trying to prove our rightness over others. What’s more, communications among us often get quite heated, even abusive. People like Stanford Peele, for example, were viciously attacked when they came out with new theories that disagreed with the disease model. And today, some people attack anything that IS related to the 12 steps. (I recently bore the brunt of such treatment, when I briefly mentioned on a Website the benefits of the 12 steps.)

So what’s my point? Well, to put it as gently – yet as bluntly – as I can, our obsession with “being right” isn’t working.  It’s actually hurting us. It’s confusing people who have “addictions” about what to do. It’s blocking our willingness to the see the value of each other’s perspective. It’s creating conflict, divisions and differences among people working in the same field. And it’s creating fear among those who have problems and want help, as a recent email I received showed all too clearly.

In understanding additions, I often see such differing – and heated – discussions online when looking at weight-loss books, or even listening to the media. Some people say that obese people just eat too much; others say there's psychological or spiritual reasons for weight problems. It hurts when I've struggled so long, and people, very cruelly and judgmentally, say all I need to do is eat less. – Tracey B.

What I’ve come to believe is that our conflicts are now getting in the way of helping people. And that’s why I’ve started to move away from “who’s right and who’s wrong” to “we are all right” - and begin looking for what we have in common.

Suppose we were to put our paradigms aside for a moment, and looked for what’s effective among all approaches? Regardless of how we define addiction or what caused these ‘unwanted habits’ originally, what practices are we using that are actually effective in helping people recover, reduce or prevent them? That’s what I’m committed to find and communicate, so as to bring us together in our shared search for what works.  And that's what this book is about.

If that sounds altruistic, maybe it is. But it’s not just to be “nice” or kind to each other (though that certainly wouldn’t hurt). It’s about beginning to see the impact and cost that our conflicts and arguing are having on people. And it’s about finding the common patterns, issues, practices and solutions that can help anyone deal with any, and all, addictive or unwanted behaviors.